The monster that attacked New York is a giant squid thing, possibly Cthulhu. While it is possible to force it back into the water, that does not stop it from coming back, so scientists researching dolphin communication send the dolphins into the ocean to summon an even bigger bottlenose whale (whose primary source of food is squid), and get it to swim up the Hudson into the bay, where armed forces will push the squid creature into the water so the whale can eat it.

Booyah. I just saved the world.

This movie has the potential of really sucking.

Theory #2

The Tagruato corporation has deep-sea drilling sites all over the world, where their scientists can research organisms that survive in such extreme conditions, and they can harvest Deep-Sea Nectar, the secret ingredient with addictive properties found in Slusho. The Tagruato scientists have developed a super-serum from the extreme-condition organisms and/or Deep-Sea Nectar research, which can cure most, if not all diseases found in the depths of the ocean.

The plan is to find a monster underwater that has been dormant for centuries, wake it up, and let it bring plague and destruction to the surface. Once the monster has run it's course and gone back to the ocean to sleep for another millennium, only those who had the Tagruato super-serum will emerge to start a new society as they see fit.

The "Bloop" heard in the Atlantic ocean in the summer of 1997 was a clue as to where the monster was, which is why there is a new Tagruato deep-sea drilling site at the Mid-Atlantic Ridge, set to open in October of 2007. Once the "drilling" team finds the monster, they'll wake it up and lure it toward New York, where it will ruin Rob's going-away party on January 18th, 2008.

A team of scientists researching dolphin communication will find out how the rest of the underwater mammals are surviving the plague by asking them to go talk to some whales that spend a lot of time in deep water. Using the knowledge gained from the dolphins and whales, the scientists will manage to develop their own serum, which won't be as strong but defiantly just as effective, if not more. And it would be way cooler and have better stories, like bat-serum.

Then a war will start between the Tagruato super-serum new-society master-race faction and the Non-Profit bat-serum human-survival melting-pot collective. This sets us up for 5-22-09, the new series that J.J. Abrams will destroy my Tuesday nights with, because it's not bad enough already that I schedule my Wednesdays (now Thursdays) around Lost.

Seriously, this s- could blow.

Theory #3

A new site affiliated with the movie has emerged for an extreme environmentalist group called The TIDO Wave. TIDO stands for Tagruato Is Destroying our Oceans, and their main focus appears to be the fall of Tagruato. The boys and girls at TIDO have been developing their own biogenetically engineered deep-sea creature, and planned to release it upon the new Tagruato drilling site in the Atlantic.

The TIDO scientists produced a sperm/ovum combo that would develop into some kind of sea creature with enough size, strength, and aggression to take down a whole deep-sea drilling site. However, because of TIDO’s limited lab space, they were not able to see a full-grown creature before having to destroy it. Thus, they did not know the extent of their monster’s true potential.

The plan was to send an operative to infiltrate the new drilling site as an ordinary Tagruato employee. The spy would bring the sperm and ovum on board in separate vials, mix them together, throw the conception cocktail into the ocean, then get the hell out of there. The execution of this plan did not go so well.

The TIDO bio-engineered monster grew larger and faster than expected, and the drilling site was destroyed before the operative could escape with memories of fun times with new friends, who s/he inadvertently tried to kill. Since the monster was bred for it’s aggressive qualities, and because it was effing huge, it headed for more food. And where’s the best place to eat when you’ve never been anywhere except the Atlantic Ocean? Why, New York, of course!

A few survivors of the attack filmed everything they saw with a digital camera, and even though they managed to get somewhere in a helicopter, which would imply military assistance, the footage was never confiscated for further investigation into the incident. The footage somehow made it all the way to movie theaters without some government agency big-brothering their way around a cover-up.

I don't care if it does suck, I will see this movie within the first two days of it's release.

Theory #4

Cloverfield is actually the sequel to Cocoon 2. Bearstronauts (yeah, f-ing space-bears) have been hanging out with Wilfred Brimley and the gang. Having lived far from earth with a different gravitational pull, they had all gained an insurmountable amount of strength, and they were pissed at New York. I don’t know what was going on in New York, but I guess it was upsetting old naked people in pools with boners.

The Bearstronauts and The Brimley Crew combined forces and formed a super old-bear-people-space monster to f- some s- up.

Would you believe this movie was out for a month before I wrote the following?

I saw it. Not only did I see it, but I saw the nerd showing. I saw it the night before at midnight with all the other dorks who wanted to see the monster first, who wanted to write their own reviews/spoiler articles before the rest of the public, and who wanted to respond to weekend matinee invites with, “Cloverfield? Pssh. Saw that s- days ago.”

Did I like it? f- yeah, I liked it. It had a monster pummeling the s- out of New York City. What more could anyone ask for? Maybe for it to pummel Toronto, but that might not be as appealing to the masses. It also had just the right amount of comedic relief and a not-so-happy ending, a rarity in American filmmaking. It was like no movie I had seen before, and it was friggin’ rad.

As far as the theories go, I’m sticking to a combo of numbers 2 and 3. There are some pretty good write-ups about the whole back-story all over the internet, so you’re not going to find one here. Just google that s-. You’ll find out all about Teddy, the whale dream, and ChimpanzIII. Then you’ll realize that Lost came back on, so you don’t need to be thinking about this crap anymore.